it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
