I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
