i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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