3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
These 23 People Share the Worst Advice They’ve Been Given
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...