i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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