Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
