I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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