Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize