I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
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We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
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The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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