Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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