I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
