remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
