just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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