So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
