I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Randomize
