I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
