ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
The police scanner is talking about you again....
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
