My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
