I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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