Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
