I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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