Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
