i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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