I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
