Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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