She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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