you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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