I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
