I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
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I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
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I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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