i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
is this the sara with the beer cane?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
