His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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