just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
