I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
operation have a gay friend backfired
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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