Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
