Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
