mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
