my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
