Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
