You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
