remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
