last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Jerry, you need to find god
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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