just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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