obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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