I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Randomize
