T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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