Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
