All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
