jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
