I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
