I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
