Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
