I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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