Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
