i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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