I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
