Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
