I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
