Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
