Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
